This is a revision essay, need to add more 300 words count, and help me change my original work.
Here is my professor’s comment:”
Overall, you have some good material developing in this draft, but on the whole, I felt like your argument was a bit scattered and unfocused. The one topic all of the paragraphs in this draft had in common was food insecurity, but since that’s a broad theme and since there was no central, localized example that would help to illustrate or clarify your argument, I did not have a strong sense of what exactly you were arguing about. It seems to me that you’re trying to argue too many things in this draft, and as a result, the argument does not make sense to me.
One thing that may help to clarify the argument that you’re developing here is to identify a specific food justice-related problem or set of problems that you see occurring within Eugene or some other local food system that you are familiar with and can speak to with some level of authority based on your personal experience. If you wish, you can write about your home town.
For example, if you want to talk about food deserts, you could identify a food desert in Eugene or the surrounding area, or a food desert in your hometown. If you did this, I suggest you identify the specific problems that are associated with that area; what are the major contributing factors or set of problems that have created this food desert in the first place?
By establishing a specific problem or set of problems, you can use the theoretical and/or abstract ideas that you are developing and addressing in this draft to explain what should be done to fix the problems that you see taking place in Eugene (or wherever your example food desert is located). In other words, I’m suggesting that you use the ideas you’ve developed in this draft as a critical framework by which you will analyze a set of localized problems that you see in Eugene or some other local food system.”
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