It seems to address some important concerns related to the issue. At this point, my biggest concern is that while you are spelling out many of the issues related to the problem, the draft does not seem to spell out the solution, as the assignment instructions indicated. To address this, you should make sure that your thesis clearly and succinctly identifies a WHO (the subject) that should be responsible for implementing the change/solution you are offering, and a WHAT (the verb/predicate) that describes the change/solution you are suggesting. Once your thesis is sufficiently clear, succinct, and argumentative, your body paragraphs ought to fall in line accordingly. One of the great ways to ensure alignment between your body paragraphs and the thesis is to use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that echo the main point of the thesis by explaining the connection to the main idea for that specific paragraph. The most important tasks to cover in the various body paragraphs are explaining WHY the change/solution you suggest is the the right one, WHY you believe the person/organization named in your thesis should be responsible for implementing the change/solution, HOW your position will work, and then also addressing reasonable counterpoints.
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