Below are the proffesors comments on the essay I turned in about pitbulls.
Professors Comments: “This is a wonderful example of a narrative essay. The subject matter was entertaining, you presented it in an interesting way, and you provided enough detail to make the writing come alive. To improve the essay: the intro is stiff–you might try to use your thesis statement to open or include a story about a pit bull to draw your reader in. Some of your paragraphs are too shortâadd more details for better flow. There are a few grammar/punctuation errors; be sure to do an extra edit. The APA style is good as well, and you will learn more about citations as the class progresses. I look forward to reading the revision.”
So i would need the intro to not be so stiff, maybe include a story and add more details. Fix grammar and punctuation errors.
The professor wants us to go through these steps when revising.
Step
1. Purpose
2.Audience
3. Thesis
4. Support/evidence
5. Structure
6.Typos
7. Spelling/punctuation
8.Run on sentences/ common splices.
The original essay that was written was close to perfect. So basically just go off of the professors comments to make it better.
The essay is attached.
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